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 ^{(it's beta!)}

I sit here, perfectly alone. The grass tickles my naked toes softly as I look upon the trickling brook that bubbles quietly beside me. I sigh. No, it wasn’t always like this you know. I lay back and stare up at the blue sky that peeps through the gaps in the weeping willow above me and leaves dappled shade to dance on the floor. No, it certainly didn’t used to be like this. Life used to be filled with wondrous new beginnings and unexplored enchantments, it used to creep up on me and shake me by the shoulders, take me by the wrist and drag me into something exciting and difficult, something I could really get my teeth into.

Not anymore. I close my eyes and let the sound of laughing children and singing birds take me back through time, not far back, only a year, funny isn’t it? How so much can change in a year, how things can go from the most spectacular experience of your whole entire life to this.

This. A gaping hole

This. A useless pit of nothing

This. Everything I despise

Friends, family, loved ones, strangers, all fell apart at the beginning of September

A shriek of laughter brings me back, I wish it didn’t. Clouds now drift above me like giant pillows of dreams. I wonder where it began, where did it start to go wrong? The answer is easy, the answer is simple, the answer sits at the bottom of my chest and eats away at my stomach

With her of course. She who tore me apart, she who ripped my world to shreds, she who destroyed everything. And then there was him, he who when I was most in need looked down on me like something he found on the bottom if his shoe.

I spent a month in my room, in rehab if you like, trying to come to terms with it and yet it never went away, its still here as I lie in the place where we once laughed, played, kissed, talked and whispered. Underneath this willow.

And now, almost a year on things still get worse. Although now I have someone else to lean on, someone else I can trust whilst everything else falls to pieces and is blown away by the wind like so much else.

I push myself up and sit quietly.

The brook,

The willow,

The grass,

Where I spent so much of my year. I know now that I can never come back here, no not ever. As I push myself up and walk away. Images flash past my eyes, images of a boy and girl sitting quietly holding hands and sharing secrets, laughing, smiling, sharing a silence, sharing a kiss.

No. I can never come back to this place.