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 ^{(it's beta!)}

[So what is it exactly?]

No, I'm not tired. I'm actually pretty excited. I just had some orange juice. I only had two cups of coffee this morning. Only two sodas throughout the day, I think. Not a whole lot, by my standards, now that I think about it.

[Just how does it go?]

I think I'm ready. Well, no, I don't really think I am. But I'm just ready to start. I don't know what will happen, or how it will end. I don't have a clue, but damnit I don't really care right now. I just want this to change. I want to start over, to get out there and do it on my own. I'll probably fail, multiple times, but I want to at least give it a try. I think I can do it. I may not be ready, but I think I can do it.

[Do you know?]

She's a nice girl. I like her. I'm not sure how much I like her, but she's nice. I know she likes me. I'm pretty sure she likes me a lot. At least, she used to. I hear she still does. I don't know, though. I hurt her pretty bad. I know. She cried. I didn't. I haven't cried in years, but she did. She hugged me and cried on my shoulder. I let her, and it hurt, but I didn't cry. I told her. She wanted to know. She asked if there was any chance, any at all. I told her. And she cried. All I could do was hold her as she cried. And now I'm not sure. I like her, but just as before, I don't know how much. I answered her without really thinking about it last time. I was just confused. And conflicted. I didn't know what was going on and it made me uncomfortable. We were both uncomfortable and I wanted that to stop. So I told her. And it stopped. It took a while for things to go back to how they were but they did and things were good again. But now I don't know. I've started holding her more, holding her hand, not in a loving way, but you know. I let her spar with me even though I don't know karate. I still fight back and it just turns into a wrestling match. She usually wins, but only because I'm ticklish. And now, I'm afraid.

[I don't think I ever have.]

He always seems so depressed. Well, I think he is. He's told me this. But he always somehow seems to deal with it. I think he's just suppressing it, though. I still see him laugh sometimes and I smile when he seems at ease. But I don't think he knows enough about himself.

[I've lost it and don't know what to do.]

I love it. It's my greatest creation. Quite possibly my greatest. I just want it to grow, to prosper, to evolve and sparkle and take over everything. It could do it, too. I just need to give it another boost, another light shove out the door. But I've run out of steam. I'm sleeping and eating coconut macaroons.

[What the fuck am I supposed to do?]

I don't even know what this has accomplished. Am I finished with it? When can I be finished with it? It may go on forever and I'll still be here. No one will ever know until I am finished with it. Is that right? Will that be right?

[I'm lost and I can't breathe.]