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 ^{(it's beta!)}

I've been told that Diet Coke gives you cancer. Something about the synthetic sugar that they use to keep it sweet; aspartame is what it's called. Now I don't know about the science behind it, I never really liked science all that well, but what I do know is that it still tastes good and has zero calories. I never counted calories until I went up to college and bloated up on free soda and unlimited pasta prima vera, but after that chilling experience(hollandaise has a lot of fat in it) I figured that I ought to make an effort to slim down again. Unfortunately slimming down seems to mean getting cancer as well, and as I've never been one to hold long-term consequences in high regard, it seems like I've made up my mind already. So now I find myself opening the door of my apartment, slowly creeping down the stairs to dodge my insistent landlord(the rent was was due an unfortunate six weeks ago), striding out to the closest convenience store and stocking up with a twenty-four pack of cancer in a can.

Don't worry though, I'm no fool. I realize that giving myself cancer isn't going to get me thin all by its lonesome. I recently sold a short story, to some magazine or other, and I used the money from that little run of luck to buy a membership to the gym and hire a personal trainer. Everyday at eight o'clock I show up, water bottle full to the brim with diet coke, ready to sweat myself down to five percent body fat. I get dehydrated at a startling rate, my trainer says its from the coke but I assured him it's diet, and develop blisters like smallpox victim on the oregon trail, my trainer says it's from the penny loafers. . . I'm starting to believe him.

I've lost ten pounds already, but I'm going to have to change doctors. Dr. Noworski is my current practitioner, but he's been trying to get me off of the diet coke bandwagon(as if it's some kind of trend, ha) by telling me that it is dehydrating me. He says that I could have lost nearly twice the weight and been in more than three times the shape if I had drank water instead of coke. I, of course, reminded him that it was diet and immediately told him that water tastes terrible and that i've had my plumbing turned off since March(I shower at the gym, eat at McDonald's[free refills on diet coke! I thought everyone said they were unhealthy?] and get all my laundry dry cleaned).

I may eventually pay the price of beauty, forty or so years down the road, but like I said, I have trouble recognizing poor habits and future consequences. So until it kills me, or gets me down past five percent body fat, I'm going to continue my love affair with the faux-sugar beverage. You should try it, it tastes great with two double cheeseburgers, and it's only 34 cents to supersize!