Rough Draft
untitled
This is just a rough draft of my first piece of writing. I wrote this a little while ago, and since then have added to it heavily, adjusted it and improved it enormously. However, I thought for the purposes of this site, that I would post the original rough draft for reading and criticism. It will hopefully give me a better perspective on my writing, and give me thing to look out for in proof reading the improved version.
This is just a short excerpt of the first chapter of the story. The story is basically about a young man, who so happens to have super-human abilities.
Rather than the heavily romanticised versions of the 'hero' story that you'd see in most cinemas and comics, this is intended to reflect on how it might pan out in the real world. I'll tell more of the plot later, it is as of yet untitled despite being many 10's of thousands of words in to the story :P
Chapter 1:
The hair whipped violently across her face as she reached the edge of the roof. Blindfolded, she could not see where she was, or who was doing this to her. She could hear the howling of car horns below, confirming her location, and she began to panic. The girl kicked and screamed, but she never hit her target.
A large man behind her firmly wrapped his arms around her to stop her struggle, and after a few minutes the girl tired.
“Aww look at that, the little kitten has had enough”, said a slimy voice, piercing the wind behind her.
“Yeah, it’ll be such a shame to waste such a pretty girl”, said the big man restraining her.
Both men chuckled at the comment, as the girl began to whimper.
“Don’t cry little one, you won’t feel a thing”, came the slimy voice again.
“Who the hell are you and what the hell do you want from me”, screamed the girl, tears flooding down her face.
They always said she was the strong one of the family. They had no clue just how insecure and vulnerable she really was.
“You shouldn’t have run away from him Alana, you have no idea how powerful he is”.
The girl began sobbing as she realised her fate.
“Do it Sal”.
Without hesitation, the large man threw the girl effortlessly over the edge of the building.
Alana screamed as she was thrown over the edge. Her heart rose into her throat from shock, fear and the velocity of her fall. There was no epiphany, nor did her life flash before her eyes. She fell, silently, accepting her fate and embracing the fierce wind whipping around her.
Suddenly, her fall was stopped. She was cocooned in warm, muscular arms and felt herself descending to the ground as she lost consciousness. She had been saved.
~~
Terry slowly descended to the street, where already a bevy of reporters and journalists were waiting for him. He glanced for the first time at the girl he had saved, and was surprised to find the girl to be so attractive. Dark hair, slim body, and beautiful, deep eyes. Contrary to popular belief, attractive girls were a rare find in his line of work. Quickly, Terry realised he had been staring, blushed and touched down on the ground. He barely had time to safely put the girl on the ground before he was swamped by desperate reporters, microphones being forcefully shoved in his face.
He wanted to know her name, he wanted to meet her again, and he wasn’t sure why. Terry saw her being whisked away, looking back at him from afar, his heart jumped in his chest. But he was jolted out of his reverie when, in the confusion, a microphone hit him in the face from a particularly persistent reporter.
“You’ve saved the day again, how do you always know where they are?” asked the journalist desperately. Terry blinked confused, but before he could answer, the familiar figure of his mother swooped in front of him.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, please save your questions, we will be holding a brief press conference in a few minutes”, yelled his mother in a very authoritative tone. She then turned to her son, smiling a twisted smile.
“Well done sweetie, now hurry along to the seats we set up over there”, she demanded, her voice going from sweet to careless, “We can’t have you miss a press conference again.
Terry groaned at the thought, and briefly thought of quickly flying away.
“Don’t you even think about it young man”, snapped his mother, pre-empting his actions.
“Mum do we really have to do this?” begged Terry, “She only fell from a building.”
“You’ll do as your told.”
“To hell with the stupid conference,” said Terry in a feigned moment of defiance.
Alexandra Lincoln quickly clipped her son over the back of his head and twisted his ear painfully.
“You watch your language young man, you have a reputation to uphold.”
Terry begrudgingly forced his way through the crowd, his cape being stood on more than once, causing him to stumble and choke briefly. Just as he sat down his mother walked up to the overly decorated podium overflowing with microphones and proceeded to take questions.
Terry drifted off in to a world of his own, knowing full well that his mother would answer all of the questions herself, despite his strongest protestations.
~~
Terry stared out the window of the limousine, his eyes following every tree that passed by the window. He had opted to take the limousine back to his mansion. Unfortunately this meant he had to endure the relentless criticism of his mother. Who had, once again, set specific plans for how he was to ‘save the day’.
“You didn’t smile, I saw NO smiling Terry”, nagged his mother.
She paid no attention to the fact that her son was mindlessly staring out the window.
“You didn’t do the spin, like I told you to in the ‘fall’ situations, AND you didn’t let your cape billow. It looks fantastic in the photos when your cape is billowing behind you dramatically”.
Terry simply continued to stare out the window as his mother continued to rant. Before long his mansion came in to view, or at least the driveway did. It would be another 5 minutes before he reached the house due to the length of his driveway.
The very moment the limo stopped outside the front door, Terry exited and darted to the front door. He stopped before it and cringed.
He knew what was coming next, another thing his mother organised when he returned from his ‘heroics’. Terry wanted to get through it as quickly as possible, he sighed and turned the doorknob. He closed his eyes and winced as he was greeted by tumultuous applause.
Every servant, kitchen hand, chef, and even administration personnel that worked in his enormous abode was standing in the large entry foyer of his house. All were smiling and cheering him for his efforts. Terry sighed once more and quickly made for the marble stairs ahead of him so he could get away from the sea of black and white swarming around him. He hated his mother for this, because he was certain the people around him wanted to be here as little as he did. He even felt a little sorry for them, being forced to worship their boss by the boss’ own mother.
Terry shook his head and began to climb to the 3rd story, and the comfort of his private chamber, a room in which he was allowed total control. For not even his mother was allowed in there.
~~
Terry spent an unfortunate number of minutes stripping out of his costume. Once again, almost choking on the cape as he wrestled to remove the tight, brightly coloured costume. In frustration Terry growled loudly and simply ripped the costume from his body. A satisfied sigh escaped him at the abrupt vent of his frustration and he slipped into his robe.
He casually poured himself a scotch and turned the television on. He was hardly surprised by what he saw there. It was of course him, ‘saving the day’ yet again. Snarling, he changed the channel….then again…and then again…and again. Terry swore loudly, he saw his ‘miraculous feat’ on every channel.
Resigning himself to a particularly channel, Terry sunk into his favourite chair, and sipped at his scotch. He didn’t know why he even bothered, due to his mutated genetic make up, he couldn’t get drunk. And it sure as hell wasn’t for the taste, he knew as well as anyone that you do not drink scotch for the taste.
There that was some of my very first writing. Feel free to criticise as you choose. Constructive and friendly criticism preferred. Though I do not imagine this forum as the kind of place that 'flames' peoples hard work.
Thanks in advance
Shifty
- <<
- <
- >
- >>
I don't imagine that either Shifty :)
When I read the first section I was cringing at the description. Not because it was bad, but because it was so comicbook cliche. Lol, but I did like the way that vanished completely when his mother came into view. That was a great transition. I take it that was intended?
The whole structure of the work is good also, very well formed and such, so there's nothing to be faulted there. Aside from the erratic spacing of your spacers ('~~'), but that's hardly a grammatical issue.
Is there a continuation to this, or is it free standing?
Oh, because it's really organized crime, he's the good guy out front; but his mom organizes it all, with victims and everything.
Like I said, it was the very first draft of some of my very first writing.
Yes, the comic book cliche was fully intended...right down to the name "Sal", which i thought was a very stereotypical name for a big fat thug.
I'm not sure what "Robin" is but i'll have to check it out.
It's not meant to be organised crime, the story basically pans out. The next chapter was about how his powers were acquired (in a non-glamorous way) at a very young age. His mother leapt onto his talents and began exploiting them as well as she could. You can interpret that anyway you like.
Even though he is much older now, he's still one of many people that is probably under the control of their mother. I know it might be cool to be rebellious and all that...but honestly you gotta admit that regardless of your age your mum will always have a big say in your life...sometimes even scare the hell out of you :P
That...that organised crime idea isn't half bad though :P
If you would like to read more of it I guess I could post more, but it would be in small installments.
if you would like to join a line between it and anything if you've seen the movie 'mystery men', the character "Captain Amazing" i think it was. He was a superhero who was sponsored and earned his money through that, through exploiting his talents etc. This is similar to that except against his will maybe......it's hard to explain, it pans out.
What I most want to know is how well it reads. Does it flow well, for even a second did any part of the story have you reading like you weren't conscious you were reading.......you know that feeling like when you're totally into a good book. :)
Kind of specific but yeah, similar to that....I am aware that it kind of sucks a little cos it was the first :P