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 ^{(it's beta!)}

'let's see you write your way out of this one!' i proclaim as i throw my hands into the sky, loose leaf papers wafting in the air.

me, i'm in full surrender to the universe and all its twisted perversions.

'have your way with me!' i'm done. i'm hungry and alone and can't find a single, solitary person who might make a suitable companion for the walk from one side of the room to its parallel. what do you do when the only person you can't sucker forgiveness out of is yourself? ..oh wait!

"well we're all a little more fucked then we might've originally thought". that's what some guy told me. he was well dressed and on the verge of blackout if the piss stains and empty bottle of "cap'n m" were any implication.

i shot him down and swore that I, in fact, knew it the whole time.

'it's the times you're sad just cuz you wanna fuckin be sad that'll fool you into thinking maybe the lowest you can go isn't all that low'- a moment of self revelation when i realized i guess i just damned well like to be sad.

but then the sadness kicks in and i turn my attention to the mirror that i can see from my backyard, through the window. and i wonder if maybe with just the right amount of makeup i could look a little nicer than this in my coffin.

so now i'm trying to smell my hair because i'm pretty sure i already washed it but the shampoo, conditioner and litter box lay on the floor of the tub and i guess the water was hot enough to smear my memory a little bit and how long have i been in here? and where is the cat shitting?

i wrote a few angry letters to my family and one to some local superstars because it was about time some one did. i thought about making a list of pros and cons but had trouble with the catagorizing.

'come and get me!' after you break, ruin and piss on everything you care about you can either look for some new stuff to care about or just be free. the problem with being free is it's really just a state of mind and maybe it's time to take back some of the things you said because if it aint free it's cheap and i have the cash and even if you run out there's always a way to get a loan.

and even if there's not then where are you if not right back where you always were.

then you start over.

then you smoke too much and feel just a little better until you throw up.

but you really like being sad anyway.