Silence on the Golden Bridge
untitled
There was silence on the Golden Bridge
As the Bird of the North Wind,
Prideful and emboldened to no end,
Leaped from its red mechanical ridge.
A girl in a pink dress,
Freckles so young and many.
An olive branch she did possess,
Alongside arrows, in plenty.
A feather on the wet handrail,
Not of gold, but red and cold,
To behold all tragedy unfold:
A flightless bird fell into the gale.
Ignorance clipped its wings,
Arrogance mauled its beak.
No longer can it soar with kings.
No longer can seek, shriek, or speak.
Into the morning mist it dropped,
Twirling into the distance unknown.
A girl in a pink dress cried out,
A wavering call alone.
Flight without,
He has flown.
Why did he jump? they asked,
The sun is gold and rising.
The girl whispered to herself:
The irony would be too surprising.
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I feel like the rhyme is restraining/limiting this poem, which is sad because it really does have mad powt. Stil it's decent, but I wouldn't mind seeing a free verse of it ...
Personally, I don't like doing free verse. I feel that challenging myself with a rhyme scheme forces me to try to be more creative with pace and imagery. Sometimes I do get more creative, and, er, sometimes I don't step up.
Er, feel I should clarify that comment. I do like reading tons of free verse, especially ones written by talented writers. But writing free verse frustrates me, I get so lost >_< Like I end up write everywhere, which gets me nowhere. Know what I mean?
Perhaps if rhyming scheme were set free where would your structure strive to be?
Its too easy to have the violets be blue and roses red as ever. rhyme deserves an alteration turning words quipping clever!
That bit about writing free verse -- I get what you're sayin', dude (dudette? I am unsure of your gender). I like writing free verse a lot, but yeah it gets frustrating when your thoughts run hither and thither without the strict overseeing headmaster with a hairbun and a meter stick that is rhyme and structure scheme. Often what I write becomes plain ol' stream of consciousness dear-diary-isms. I applaud your dedication to a tentative poetic rhythm and rhyme.
That being said, onto the poem. I enjoyed your breakdown of said structure in the almost elegant 'falling' of words down the page -- I've always been fond of poems that look as well as read rather prettily.
You formed your poem in ABBA format, and you stick well to it right down to syllabic count. This is intellectually challenging in that you are forced to think in fewer words and consistently few words -- one thing you could do is let the poem flow a little more. You can still make sure that the poem stays true to the rythym, but not all the lines have to be 5-8 syllables. As a wise man once said "be free! let it flap in the breeze!"
One last nit I want to pick is the last stanza -- the irony is too surprising? how? is it the false image of a 'new dawn'? The ignorance on the part of the people of the plight of the bird? Apologies if you brought up the idea and I missed it ^^;; I'm just poking at the idea of expanding your rhythym pattern to suit the needs of the story.
Overall, a thought-provoking and lovely poem.
Thammoc Chosen Comment
A dude is what I am, and thank you for the feedback. When I wrote the last line, I did have something in mind she was referring to that was ironic, but I realized it could she could be referring to multiple ideas. So i am hesitant to reveal my thought process on that, because I love leaving somethings to debate and interpretation.
I kind of agree with burning sand, but I get where you're coming from. I would like to see what happens when you let your mind loose though, so consider it sometime. Just once. Indulge us and stuff.
Overall, really enjoyed the piece though.