"You have no new messages"
untitled
Closing the door to his one bedroom flat behind him, Rob stepped into his kitchen-come-dining room and tossed his keys idly into the bowl on the work surface, sits heavily at his breakfast-bar-come-dining-table and clicks the button on his answering machine
“You have no new messages.”
The robotic woman’s voice falls flat in the cluttered and dirty apartment. It soaks into the already saturated dirty water that festers in the sink around last night’s take away and sticks to the clotted cream that floats around half drunken coffees.
“Bitch”
Rob stood slowly and turns the kettle on. He spoons coffee powder into the cleanest mug available and watches the kettle slowly tick itself over. It boils, he pours, and sits back down again, nursing it between both hands.
He toys with the idea for a second but dismisses it instantly. Knowing he’ll listen to it eventually, but it makes him feel better if he can hold out for as long as he possibly can. Makes him feel less pathetic.
Sighing, he drags himself out of the chair and fumbles his way through the cooking utensils drawer. He finds the tape. Opens the cassette deck on the answering machine and inserts it.
“Saved Messages”
“Hey Rob it’s me, left some tea for us tonight in the oven, if you could warm that up for us before I come home that’d be great, I won’t be late. Love you.
“Hey, me again. Just err... ha, I don’t know really. Just wanted to say thanks, for tonight, really. I had a really good time, you really make me laugh you know? Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Good night, I love you.
“Robbie where are you? I’ve been standing outside the restaurant for fifteen minutes now! Grrr you better be on your way here right now mister or you are in serious trouble.”
Her voice was different. It massaged his shoulders and kissed his neck. It wrapped a pair of arms around his waist and breathed softly into his ear. It stroked his unshaven cheek and gently caressed his lips.
“Hey hun, just wanted to know if you’re still up for the party at Jennas. I’m not too fussed really, much rather stay in and cosy up in front of a crappy DVD at yours really but I’ll go if you want to. Just let me know before eight. Love you.
“End of messages”
Rob sipped his coffee in silence and let the last message ring out. He sighed, rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands and turned off the machine. He longed for something new to listen to over and over again.
- <<
- <
- >
- >>
I like it... gives me a feeling of extreme longing... for cake
no but seriously i can understand where this guy is coming from and i wish him the best in his future romantic exploits...
A few tense issues:
"Rob stepped into his kitchen-come-dining room and tossed his keys idly into the bowl on the work surface, sits heavily at his breakfast-bar-come-dining-table and clicks the button on his answering machine." --you use "stepped" and "tossed" in the beginning, but "sits" and "clicks" toward the end.
Also, the entire last paragraph is done in past tense, while a majority of the story is done in present. The third paragraph is also in past tense, but that may not be a mistake...did you mean that at the time the messages were recorded, her voice meant those things to him? If so, then the tense isn't an issue. However, if you meant that right now, that's what her voice STILL does to him, I'd put it in present.
I really liked it a lot, Bowers. It made me feel lonely and isolated--but that's good because that's how the character felt. I love it when I can resonate with things I read, and you did a really great job with that. :)
Last paragraph: too -> to. I can sympathise with problems about tense... I always mess that up, since every tense feels awkward to me in some way...
I'm out of words right now, but I like this piece. It has a standalone quality that is sometimes difficult to achieve with such subjects... like it fulfils its purpose and there is no need for anything more...
...don't tell me this is part of a series :P
Hey, I really like this new piece. It's coolio. I see what you meant earlier when you were telling me about the awkwardness of the third person but it's not too bad. The only thing I really have a problem with is the very last line. It just seems a bit unnecessary. At least, when I read it I understood the fact that the messages were old without the line. Maybe that's just me, though. Other than that, it's great. :P
- Matt
Good! Some splendid scenes that I can relate to, coming home from whatever, feeling bummed out by lack of contact... And going back to old messages to cheer yourself up, but also feeling pathetic when you think about it: solid observation. Won't go into the tense problems, they've been stated before me, and it doesn't make the writing less... Less.