Vulnerability
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Vulnerability is something I have always had a lot of trouble showing. You know how there are some people who can tell anyone and everyone everything; all their deepest darkest fears and apprehensions. Well, I am not one of them. I have always thought of these people as slightly stupid for the ease with which they fling about their weaknesses, but I have been envious of them nevertheless. These people may not have privacy in their thoughts, or comfort in knowing no one knows anything they don’t want them to, like I do. But sometimes I feel they have something better. Freedom.
These people have no insecurities, vulnerabilities that go unannounced. If they have a problem, everyone knows about it, and more often than not they can usually find someone to help them out with it.
So yes, I am jealous. If it weren’t for my pride, the constant little voice telling me what people would think of me, say about me, I would have no problems. I would always have someone to help me out with a word of advice, or false reassurances. But I have never been able to actually do it. I hate people knowing what I am afraid of; I can’t handle other people having that advantage over me. Instead, I sit and listen to those who can moan about their fears and what they hope will one day be. I sit there, feeling smugly in control, and offering false assurances and words of fake wisdom while keeping my secrets safely locked up inside.
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