Forgotten
Mon, 11 Aug 2008 at 10:02pm
untitled
He was once a great mind,
But his mind has since declined
It was from the daily stress
of his white-collar job,
the drugs he took to cope,
and the degradation
of his generation.
Now, today
(every day)
he sits by that side of the building,
waiting for his day to pass again
She was once a great lover
But her body has decayed
from the disease of time
and eradication of life.
She passes him every night as she walks
lonely,
but not alone.
One other likes this.
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It's good overall, but the first two lines sort of threw me off for some reason... The double rhyme in the second, or something. But the message got across just nicely. "Lonely, but not alone.", I know what that is all too well...
I like it. However, I'm not sure it's up to your usual standard. Nice use of parentheses in stanza 5, though, I like that.
Have you considered experimenting with say.. lexo-graphical work? Stretching words out on a page, positioning them exactly how you like. Perhaps even vertically!
I dunno, it seems like it would suit your style.