Real
untitled
I lie in bed now, and that seems to be all I do; I lie in bed now, and that seems to be taking its toll. I don't have much of an idea why, it just seems a logical choice and Cate still crawls in next to me and lies with me and what effort do I have to make? Here I am warm, supported, safe; here I am in perfect glory.
Movement is not halted I do move I adjust I change my position in the covers I shower at least in the mornings and I go back to sleep I do not need money I do not need education I do not need anything just tinted windows and a blanket not covered in sweat.
It's the people I guess that have driven me here that is my only idea why I think it is the people in all their knowledge of self that have driven me here I repeat to clarify phrasing for emphasis thematic elements in full contact I repeat it is the people who know themselves so awfully who have self-actualized in mass who have perpetuated the beauty myth who have still created institutional racism of all types who have neglected literatures for glossy magazines I repeat to clarify the people have actualized as what I stand against and beneath the flood beneath their feet I call for sense but is sense rejection of mass will if the people have declared themselves this why am I not coming to be senses as a citizen; I lie in bed now waiting for the darkness to overtake me.
A friend of mine fell ill to the will of the masses fell into where I am now questioning his motivations he claimed everything he found nothing in his search for self he found only loss of self as he began to subscribe to the global standard yet his leanings toward necessary non-conformity strung him out he became a junkie he bought Cosmo but he still wrote for In These Times and in the end he died alone by his own hand his note written in all so fashionable fountain ink his pants were dry denim Diesel now covered in blood they haven't been washed just like the ad said.
I will not be him; if I am to lose my beliefs surely I will come out okay if I am to lose my beliefs certainly I will fall into necessary conformity to save my physical self my mental self so altered as to contain my own impulses to claim sense, god given sense, above that of everyone else yet neglect the hypocrisy of that my mind complete formed into another middle aged man wanting to rage against the world around him but not for the sake of his job and his life and his self.
These covers have become my cocoon when I leave this bed I will not be evolved but I will have experienced metamorphosis I will be newly classifiable I imagine that once I stand from this bed I will be newly whole newly changed newly formed I can feel my body changed my body yearning to leave this room and it's stagnant air yet I will not let it I have subsisted now solely on water for seven days I have subsisted now and I will continue until I begin to break and at that time I would rather break than bend.
Even if I come from here a company man if I come from here still on the scene if I come from here ready to die I will not be worse for it I will be realized and I will not fall into the trap my friend did for I will realize the beauty in realization I will know that in this new form I will have become what I am meant to.
Cate's arms around me she suggests a rebirth in water to help me I think she worries now and I would too and she says I will go into the water she'll shave everything off of me I will become new and she will perform a baptism and I will come from it reborn she says it's been done she say's it may help me and I say not yet wait for the morning and as the morning comes and my stomach growls and the tinted windows allow no light and I agree.
In the water I am disrobed now the loose skin hanging off of me not eating well before hand everything seems broken my skins prunes quickly Cate hums the hallelujah as the razor graces my head knotted hair gone as the razor graces my chest fine hair gone as the razor graces my abdomen I realize the insanity of all of this and I am scared to say so and everything continues and on top of the water floats black.
The hallelujah stops and I look at myself in the mirror Cate holds in front of me kneeled in the water I am ready to faint she straddles my legs I look in the mirror I repeat for emphasis not for structure I look in the mirror is this me is this how Warren felt as he saw himself in the bathroom am I simply him now and I nod and lay my head down against the back of the tub I feel Cate tugging on my hands I feel myself slipping down beneath the blackness into the clear underneath eyes still open it burns incredibly the fire of God no but it could be I gasp unknowingly water fills me water fills me I try to spit and I cannot I try to push and I cannot and I simply wait and slowly blackness fills my eyes as I emerge.
Cate holds me tightly her clothes ruined she lies her head on my chest now crying asks if I am alright I do not respond only cough water hair mucus onto her it doesn't matter she clears my eyes with a finger she kisses my forehead as she raises me with her dirty feet still in the water I stand and am held by her I stand and I am held I stand.
In this moment I wonder if I am dying with no strength with aged skin with loose flesh hanging I stare at Cate and I wonder if she will leave me now if I will be changed and if she will leave me now for she brought me this and she sustained me and men never change and when they do it's never for the better and we lie in bed and we make love tired and broken and I have trouble even knowing if I am alive and I come and everything seems to break.
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