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 ^{(it's beta!)}

Reality has hit me so fast I needed a minute to take it all in. It seems as if once you hit your high school years and you don't know what you want to do then you're just the average everyday fuck up. Faking a happy put together life only lasts you so long. You fake a smile until the day is done. Washing it away with boiling hot water. Steam coats your bathroom mirror so thick you can hardly see yourself. But that's one of the best parts not even having to face your self. Because things can get that bad. You depend on your friends but only so much. Never wanting to let your guard down. Trying to stay strong for everyone and once you shed a tear you've let everyone down. Mostly yourself. Theirs days where you just want to stay hidden. Not looking anybody in the eye. Afraid they'll figure everything out. Just bye a quick glance. You just want that one person in life that you can let everything go on. Even if just for a moment. When you think you find that person you get hopeful and eager only to find you were dead wrong. Theirs even times in your life when you don't even think you can trust yourself. You think you know your self but after a good long thought you realize that what you have, what your image is in your minds eye is so twisted and contorted into such a weird ugly shape. You panic and try to change only to fail because you're so deep in that you can't escape. After a while you give up and try to live with yourself. It's one of the hardest things you probably will ever do, and it will last your whole entire lifetime. There's times when you think back and just want to kick your self. You want to chastise your self for all your stupidity. It just doesn't make sense that you could be in that much pain and not bleed. Your brain can't make the connection. You just want to be done trying...