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 ^{(it's beta!)}

I

Three times now, boy, I’ve said your love was like a rollercoaster. Not for the ups and downs – I never felt so happy or so sick.

We started in this way. My head on your lap, your soft singing voice. ‘She was a sword in her red satin sheath…” I smiled and never liked that metaphor.

But you were something else. Mixed tapes and word games – 1990s charm worked well on me. Cobble stones, gobbling stones. We laughed at our topsy turvy lives. Walking hand in hand, we didn’t need to care about anyone else. Lying on the roof, ignoring the stars. One day you stand up. “Let’s fly,” you say, pulling me to my feet. I laugh and call you crazy. So you jump off, into the air.

But not quite.

“Don’t you ever do that!” I shout. You looked surprised, like you don’t know why I should so pissed off. Like I’m the biggest idiot in the world, for not noticing you have wings.

And your love, it was a rollercoaster. But I was never harnessed in.

II

The sun shines down on our only childhood hiding place.

She lies back on the grass, and stretches out her arms. “I know you, and you’ll never be happy unless you write. But your stories,” she says, “They’re too safe. They’re just metaphors. The moon, the trees, the city lights. Write about people.”

A cloud throws shadow over her words. I think she’s right. I also think she’s beautiful. As clear and independent as the lake we’ve always met by. But we’re friends, I can’t encourage that thinking.

“I do write about people.”

She winks. “Comparing them to surrounding scenery doesn’t count.”

We laugh, and I pick up my pen again.

III

It was a poison, a poison, a poison, and there was no antidote at all, unless you counted time, but that wasn’t really fair, since time was only covering things up, like forgetting you had a disease, it was still there, you just didn’t think about it so much, except for when you couldn’t help it because it was also like a loose tooth, so hard to leave alone, and the only comparisons you could make were to things that went wrong with your body which was fitting really since it was your body doing the pining, or maybe it was just your brain playing you memories, but no somewhere your body must have come into it, it must have, because how else could you have cried or shouted or felt so cold at night?

IV

She will hide from him if he turns that corner. She will lie if that doesn’t work. She will take hold of her female friend’s hand. She will tell him she just came out of a horrific, drawn-out break-up. She will tell him she is

not looking for a relationship. She will ask him if they can just be friends. She will go to his house and tell jokes. She will sit in his kitchen and let him cook for her. She will feel just a little bit guilty. Maybe.

V

I love you, but you left. You left me, but I love.

And it’s so fucking unfair because now I’ve got something to prove. I have to show that I’m better with out you. Which is clichéd, and possibly not even true. I have to change how I look, to say that I’m different, that I don’t have to keep being the girl who was with you. I have to put all your things in a box, or throw them out the window. I have to bitch about you to my friends, who will say you did me a favor. But you didn’t do me a favor. And if you had wanted to, you wouldn’t have walked out that fucking door.

VI

There were a hundred birds in that room!

I swear it!

And each one was with another, sitting on their own little perch!

Sharing sweet Disney bird-kisses!

Let’s kick their sorry asses.

VII

They told me to put the stone under my pillow, and I’d dream of the person I would love.

So I went home and I watched the clock impatiently. Longing for tiredness. Begging to go to sleep. Seven o’clock. Eight o’clock. Nine o’clock. That’s late enough.

I had a shower and washed my hair. I put on make-up so I’d be beautiful. Ready to meet this person. Ready to be okay.

I was very careful, as I lay back on the bed. I counted 50 heartbeats. 50 beats for the dream I’d be having, 50 beats for the love I could give, 50 beats to get to sleep. Please, please, please.

And then it was twisted and it was awful. I ran through an endless labyrinth. I heard screams coming round the corners. I joined them with my own. I didn’t notice the place get lighter, as I fought through hedges and nightmares. I broke free from the maze that held me, and I crashed into myself.