Caught in the moment.
untitled
This is an experimental piece. It's second person, but the perspective is written as a boy, but hey, nothing will stop you from imagining it from a girl's point of view.
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You sit on the dock, twisting the filter of your lit cigarette between your fingers. You look at her, then back down at the waves crashing on the posts holding you up. The city lights are about a mile behind you, and as bright as they are, the sky is clear and the stars above the ocean are beautiful.
You take a pull, and as you take in the smoke, you take in the night. The smell of the ocean and the night overtake your smoke and you drown in the sensations around you.
The girl shivers and you take off your jacket and give it to her. All the small talk you have been making is lost in the ocean's crashing. And although lips are moving and words are being made, everything is silent and beautiful.
You're still talking, but there's a pause. Without thinking about it, you gently put your lips to hers. It seems the kiss was scripted, just meant to fit in that perfect moment. Your hand finds her neck and you move it upward to brush the back of your fingers against her cheek as you pull away.
She tilts her head and smiles at you, as if waiting for an explanation. You open your mouth to apologize, but your words are met by her lips and you find her tongue exploring your mouth. You return the gesture and find yourself pulling her closer. Still, nothing but the waves crashing and the occasional screaming of the gulls.
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I really don't know what I want to do with this. Comments?
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this is really a nice piece and i give you a million kudos for trying to write in 2nd person... it worked rather well... +1
Wow. That's actually some delicious writing. Makes me melancholic! You pulled off the second person gig real well, too. Adds to the great atmosphere, methinks. +1.
"You find her tongue exploring your mouth" has to be the greatest line ever. (I'm sorry I can't give anymore feedback than that. :( I'm a horrible person, I know.)
- Matt
i like the line poison mentioned as well simply because i can totally picture the situation where you just happen to find your tongue in someone else's mouth
and the image pleases me.
I don't know what you should do with it. Leave it, I guess? It's great. I haven't read many pieces in second person before. And it's a nice concept, and very beautifully described. For some reason I never noticed before how skilled you are at crafting such beautiful imagery. You kept up the feeling of a calm, intimate nighttime setting, and it was beautiful.
plus one
I was procrastinating reading this... because if I know something's going to be good, I'll be a bit intimidated by it.
I wasn't disappointed. Really really good second person work. I felt as if I were the character, though perhaps that was my own imagination.
But yes, very good. One thing I might change is the font, gulls and guilt look kinda similar, and that threw me for a second.
A*'d
What I like in this piece is that it doesn't just jump into a lust-fueled paragraph of how much they wanted each other. I think that's why I found this sweeter and more lovely.